Шутки на английском/Jokes in English
Young parents accompany their 7 years old son to his first day at school. New uniform, flowers… The boy comes after school, throws his bag on the couch and says:
»Why didn»t you tell me that this lasts for 10 years.»
A drunken man, completely detached from reality, walks down the street. Accidentally hits a post. Thrown aback by such a hit he holds his head, spinning around and goes forward again, and hits the same post. Then he silently sits on the sidewalk:
»I»ll wait till the demonstration is over.»
A Scottish family is gathered for the afternoon tea when an unexpected guest shows up. The guest is invited on the table.
Guest: »May I wash my hands?»
Hostess: »You wash your hands with soap, don»t you?»
Guest: »With soap.» Hostess: »You»ll have your tea without sugar, then.»
A man is driving his car and suddenly is overtaken by a hen. He accelerates but can»t reach it. At speed of 60 mph the hen hastily takes a turn towards a farm. The man pulls over the car and asks the farmer:
»What kind of hens do you have?»
»It»s a newly developed breed — for meat», the farmer replies.
»Well, are they tasty?», inquires the man.
The farmer shrugs and replies: »God knows, nobody can catch them.»
On Russian television goes the soccer game Russia-Italy.
»I wish I was in Rome now», dreamily utters one man.
»The game isn»t in Rome but in Moscow.», objects another.
»What a shame, I would»ve missed the game.»
A man goes out of the drug store.
Immediately after him runs the shop assistant:
»Sir, sir, you just took calcium glycoside. Give it back to me.»
»I»ve mistaken it with potassium cyanide.»
»But I»ve already drunk it.»
»Oh, you must quickly pay 25 cents more, then.»
An artificial insemination of cows goes on a farm. The vet with special syringe and a bank of sperm makes his way through the herd. When the process is over he sits in his car but cannot move it from its place. The car is closely surrounded by cows. The vet sounds the alarm — no reaction.
Finally, he rolls down his window and shouts: »Hey you, get out of here.»
Then one of the cows with big sad eyes puts its head through the window and mournfully utters: »What about a kiss?»
»Auntie, eat that candy.»
»Thank you, darling.»
»That»s strange. I wonder why the dog and the cat spitted it all the time.»
An English lord towards his butler:
»James, what is that noise coming from the street?»
»Demonstration of prostitutes, sir.»
»And what are their demands?»
»Better payment, sir.»
»Why? Are they low paid?»
»But then why they are discontented?»
»Do you want to hear the newest joke about Clinton?»
»Pay a dollar.»
A mermaid with a baby approaches the pier of Miami harbor and addresses the gathered crowd:
»Could anyone tell me where lives Jimmy, the diver?»
Two old virgins are sitting on a bench in the back yard mournfully observing the cock that is running after a hen without succeeding to reach it. After two laps around the house, the hen runs out in the street and is smashed by a passing car. One of the virgins utters pathetically:
»She preferred death.»
A man at a restaurant asks the waiter:
»Excuse me, have you got wild duck?»
»No, sir, but we can enrage a domestic one for you.»
A crying little worm asks his mother:
»Mom, mom, where is daddy?»
»Hush! Daddy went fishing with men.»
A mother asks her son:
»How come that I didn»t see your results on the test you did last week?»
»I gave my test to Jimmy. He wanted to scare his parents.»
The doorbell rings. The hostess opens the door. Two thick-necked are standing on doorstep:
»Did you call for blackmailers?»
»Then pay 650 dollars for false call.»
»What is the remedy for love by first sight?»
»An examining second sight.»
A boy with swelled lip goes to school. His friends ask what happened to him.
»My father and I were in a boat on the lake when a wasp alighted on my lip.»
»You should»ve brushed it away.»
»I didn»t make it. My father killed it by the oar.»
Two women neighbors are talking.
»Mary, what»s wrong with you? Are you ill? I saw the doctor coming out of your house twice last week.»
»So what? I saw an officer coming out of your house 5 times last week but I»m not saying that a war has broke.»
A critic was on exhibition of a painter. He made his remarks on portrait of a lady:
»Excellent. It looks like if she»s real. Magnificent colors. And the light is perfect… But why did you choose such an ugly model?»
»This is my mother», answered the painter.
The critic was very confused when he said:
»I»m sorry very much… I should»ve realized at the beginning. You resemble so much your mother.»
Giving Cats Pills
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
4. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
Blonde Sky Divers
A blonde and a brunette are skydiving.
The brunette jumps out the plane and pulls the cord — nothing happens.
She pulls the emergency cord and still nothing.
The blonde finally jumps out of the plane and yells «Oh! So you wanna race, huh?»
Sounds of the Wild
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: «What does the cow say?»
Mother: «Great! What does the cat say?»
Mother: «Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?»
And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, «Bud.»
Dog Property Rules
1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it’s mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
5. If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.
8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If its broken, it’s yours.
Blonde Car Accident
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck’s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what’s so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, «When you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!»
I asked my Grandma if she ever tried 69. And she said, “No, but I have done 53 — that’s all the sailors I could screw in one night.”
Rowing Your Boat
Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat. The driver blonde turned to her friend and said «You know — it’s blondes like that that give us a bad name!» To this, the other blonde replies «I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I’d go out there and drown her.»
Question and answer blonde jokes
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: How do you change a blonde’s mind?
A: Blow in her ear.
Q: How do you measure a blonde’s intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write ‘Please turn over’ on both sides of a piece of paper